Ecstatically negotiating 5-body intimacies emerges from your irreducible self-respect, from keeping your Sword Of Clarity to hand and becoming your boundaries, from developing the ability to say what is alive in you, and from proposing experiments to make life more wonderful together.
- Clinton Callahan
Negotiating During Tough Times
PS. It is always tough times...
There are a lot of assumptions/expectations about what collaboration, communication, and teamwork means.
This needs to be clearer because assumptions/expectations are underworld weapons that block intimacy and collaboration.
For responsible intimacy negotiation to happen in any group, each individual gets clear first on what they want with another team member, and takes responsibility for asking for this to happen, and negotiate (with yes, and). This happens on an individual level, especially as more projects start happening. Meaning that if there is a project going on and I want to know some info about it, I am the one taking responsibility to ask for it, it is not assumed that whoever is in the project is going to be serving out information.
For this to happen, emotional reactivity and unconscious gremlin needs to be dealt with. If you have a emotional reactivity about how intimacy is happening, taking responsibility in a team means to please ask for an EHP with someone experienced, or for mediation, and after that negotiate what you actually want from your real interest in collaboration and not from your reaction.
Different Archetypal Lineages with different 'interests' are collaborating. This causes conflict. This is appropriate. Conflict is opportunity for intimacy/collaboration.
Saying what you want is vulnerable and also an opportunity for intimacy/collaboration.
Every person has Parts. Each time you say what you want you have a chance to reflect on which 'you' is doing the wanting.
Each time you dare to say what you want, you get feedback. The feedback comes in the form of how different people respond to what you say.
And all the while, you can stay in the clearing of knowing that the answers you receive from other people are coming directly out of their various Parts.
Are they aware of which Part is speaking through them at that moment?
In all of this potential mess, it is truly a glimpse of clarity if you Consistently Practice saying what you want, without expecting that you will get what you want simply because you are clear about what you want.
There are always new Possibilities that might be offered to you that provide you with something that you might want even more than what you originally were aware of and spoke out about what you want.
This is what makes Collaborative Negotiating such a worthwhile and precious and rewarding set of skills to bring to life in your Teams and relationships. Collaborative Negotiating calls forth so much more of the full potential of group intelligence and energy.
Fresh, unexpected, previously invisible Nonlinear and Unreasonable Possibilities pour abundantly into view through calling forth the conscious use of each person's Gremlin to simultaneously meet all of the wants and needs of everyone involved. Having this AND that is so much more rewarding than the maintaining the scarcity view of negotiating to have this OR that.
Ongoing collaborative intimacy is indeed High Level Fun!
Intimacy Journeyer Hints
...an excerpt from the forthcoming book: Naked Without A Plan
20 HINTS FOR NEGOTIATING
Negotiating 5-Body Intimacies is a Winning Happening game because there are no winners or losers. The game is infinite because is it played for the purpose of keeping the game going. Here are some practical hints for giving 5-body intimacy journeys more dynamism and fulfillment.
HINT 1: Intimacy is negotiated when you make proposals or offers and the other person decides either to go along with you, or responds with a “Yes, and…”, and offers new and upscaled proposals and offers. Practice being a ‘yes’ and responding with “Yes, and…”
HINT 2: Unconscious intimacy negotiations happen very quickly. To make them conscious decrease the speed of your negotiations 100 times slower.
HINT 3: Make no assumptions. Inquire into all motivations. Make the time and space and interest to look into the dark places. Exploring the unconsciousness shadows takes courage. Find the courage. Move gently but deliberately. There is so much to see and learn about.
HINT 4: Radically trust your speaking before you think so that the mind does not get to do all the speaking. When you speak before you think it may feel strange at first because your mind does not know what you will say next. This makes life less boring. When you let other bodies speak besides your intellect they use a different pace and a different vocabulary to negotiate for their wishes and needs. By doing this you take the risk to reveal with radical honesty your actual inner conditions. Particularly let something else speak besides your mind.
HINT 5: Pause. Stay in ‘pause’ mode. Check in with yourself to accurately notice what you want, what your limits are, what each of your bodies is inspired to give or hungry to receive. It need not be a 90% intense desperate need before you fulfill it. You have many 7% intense wishes that you could generously care for.
HINT 6: Do not make fake proposals. Be sincerely committed to your offers. Not long ago I made an offer to a woman, “Let’s go to Bali for a month together.” She said, “Okay.” So we went to Bali for a month together. Make extraordinary offers, and then if they are accepted, make them come true. This makes life extraordinary.
HINT 7: When you make an offer and it is rejected, learn to energetically and emotionally accept a “No” as fully and gently as a “Yes”, understanding that knowing accurately what a person truly wants and truly does not want is intimacy. Once a “No” is fully and respectfully accepted as a boundary and a decision, it is completed, and a new situation emerges in which something completely different can emerge.
HINT 8: When you make an offer, do the work to be very clear in yourself about what in you is doing the ‘wanting.’ (A small personal feedback and coaching team can be very useful for this.) The wanting in you might come from your mother, a religion, society, a fantasy world, your Box, your Gremlin, your habits, your assumptions, etc. It is remarkably unsatisfying to fulfil the wants of others assuming that they are yours.
HINT 9: Navigating to the PRESENT includes navigating to a small NOW and a small HERE, as well as a small YOU. A small YOU leaves behind childhood emotional baggage and assumed obligations from external authorities.
HINT 10: Investigate your current circumstances in the tiniest detail together. Navigate to consent in CURRENT reality before making any additional moves. Magic is created in the present by making use of the tiniest insignificant details of current reality.
HINT 11: Doing what someone does not truly want you to do (such as expressing your opinion when another person does not want to hear it) is rape. When someone is raped they must shut down from you and protect themselves from you. Intimacy after any form of rape is nearly impossible. Rebuilding trustworthiness includes taking apart resentment (which feels like dying) and rebuilding a completely new foundation for connection.
HINT 12: The space determines what is possible. If something is not possible in one space, then use nonlinear questions to navigate to another space in which something else is possible. In the Great Labyrinth of Spaces, every space is connected to every other space. This means you can get to anywhere from here.
HINT 13: Woman is a gateway. She is not just a body with a smile and smooth skin. A woman is a gateway to the archetypal feminine, the healing place for men. The archetypal does not become visible or accessible except through the adult state where you are yourself and have your own feelings and your own voice in the present. If you approach intimacy from the scared, needy, adaptive child state, or the manipulative critical or praising parent state, or the Gremlin state, the gateway to the archetypal feminine will not open. Learn to establish your creations in the adult state.
HINT 14: By placing your attention on your attention and telling another person what you aware of that you are aware of, you enter the waking state. The waking state is a meta-awareness, where you perceive more possibilities from softer eyes and deeper understanding and presence. The waking state is also useful for splitting your attention in multiple directions and managing your split attentions more deftly.
HINT 15: An adult woman wakes up when an adult man puts his undivided attention on her. A woman wants to wake up because when she is awake she experiences more life, more power, more wonder, and more magic. This is why what a woman wants is a man’s attention. If the man’s attention wanders then the space of intimacy is lost. An intimate space does not arise by itself. It arises out of intention. Use your intention to navigate your attention. Women wake up when they are seen. Men wake up when they are heard.
HINT 16: Intimacy does not arise from trusting another person. Intimacy arises through learning to trust yourself to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself around other people. This may involve learning to make effective boundaries by saying “No!” and “Stop!”, becoming less naïve, learning to experience and express your own feelings, differentiating your feelings from your emotions, exploring your Gremlin’s underworld, your shadow purposes, your hidden competing commitments, and learning to make effective distinctions. Distinctions are more powerful than boundaries. Being more intimate with yourself makes it possible to be more effectively intimate with others.
HINT 17: The more committed you are to giving treasures away the more treasures the Universe gives you. But how can you commit to using a treasure when you can’t know beforehand what the treasure might be? If you were the Universe would you open your treasures to someone who was not already committed to using them well? No way! Getting access to the treasures of intimacy requires committing to giving the treasures away before you know how to do it.
HINT 18: Not everyone is happy all the time. There are four feelings, and often mixed emotions. How should you handle being intimate if you or the other person are feeling despair, hopelessness, jealousy, shame, anger, grief, etc.? This may not be a pretty sight, but it is what is in the moment. The key to intimacy is accepting and fully being present with what is so without judgement, without attaching interpretations or making assumptions or coming to conclusions. Can you also appreciate and be grateful for neutrally connecting with these scary or unpleasant manifestations as true intimacy?
HINT 19: When an egg and sperm come together you become one cell. Then you divide, and divide again. The cells of your body are ongoingly experiencing radical intimacy with each other. Even when you are thinking there is no intimacy, your cells are ongoingly celebrating life. Nothing is more intimate and joyful as this! Intimacies are happening throughout your body even now. Noticing them is a matter of refining your experiential distinctions.
HINT 20: (I am sure there are more hints…)
Negotiating Intimacy Experiments
Negotiating Intimacy Experiments
Matrix Code NEGOTIAT.00